Nina Sawyer

Stop Going Around in Circles GET HELP NOW!

From anger to forgiveness – a choice to heal

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The real way to get over your pain

The field of psychology has gone through different schools of thought in how to deal with anger.  New research has now proven that the act of continuing to talk about the issue that angered you over and over for years can increase anger and traumatize individuals further.  The one therapeutic process that will eliminate anger, let you gain clarity and get you unstuck spiritually is forgiveness.  I have two past clients that are engraved in my mind in this area of anger, forgiveness and letting go.  I remember years ago listening to one women’s story of hate, anger, resentment and bitterness toward her brother for teasing her as a child.  She shared of “typical” sibling teasing, however she took what he said to heart and in turn hated her brother her entire life, and hadn’t talked to him in decades and blamed him for all her pain in her life.  She was a women that was alone, with failed relationships, other life struggles and serious depression.    When I asked her what she thought about forgiveness she began to yell, and become upset saying, “I could never forgive him, I want him to pay.”  In truth, by not forgiving him, not letting it go, she was really hurting herself while her brother was fine.  On the other hand, I remember meeting with a man also in his 50’s that openly shared about his childhood, and briefly about his father molesting him.  He shared that it was difficult, that he didn’t let his father be alone around his own children, and that he didn’t see his father that often.  The man said, “I decided to forgive my father, and just move on.”  As a therapist, I could see that he was really free from what had happened to him, he had peace, he was able to live a fulfilling life with his own family, and that he did not allow the incident of his youth to define him.  I can still remember holding back tears as I could see how God had given him peace and freedom as he chose to forgive.

What it really means to forgive

Choosing to forgive someone means that you are choosing to let go of the hope that the past could be any different.  Choosing to forgive does not mean that what happened is OK or right in any way.  In actuality forgiveness has more to do with you than it has to do with the other person.  It’s good to look at the situation for what it is, process through it, sometimes with professional help, and then choose to let it go.  Letting go means choosing not to obsess over the issue and taking responsibility for your life moving forward.  Don’t spend countless hours replaying and retelling your story to others, you’re wasting your time and they are stealing your joy.  Forgiveness doesn’t not mean being a doormat!  Remember the story of the man that forgave his father.  He shared that he put boundaries in place with him, he did not let him be alone with his children, and he did not see him that often, however he also didn’t cut him completely out of his life.  If someone is hurting you, holding a grudge isn’t going to protect you but placing real boundaries up will.

What happens if we don’t forgive?

You may think you are not ready to forgive, you’re not over it, or you could never forgive.  If you told me your story I might agree, however what if you saw forgiveness as a pathway to healing and wholeness instead of what you do after you are already healed?  What if you knew that forgiving did not mean that you lost and they won, but instead that you are choosing to take back your power instead of letting them have power over you.  In Matthew 18:21-35 The story of the unforgiving servant, a servant that was forgiven much chose not to forgive someone that owed him little.  The man that had initially forgave him, then threw him in jail and “handed him over to the torturers.”  You may think your un-forgiveness is not a big deal, however what if I told you that your unforgiveness is causing you to be tortured?  Are you experiencing anger, depression, bitterness, resentment or even low self-esteem because of what happened and your feelings against the person that hurt you?  Anger and unforgiveness have been compared to a cancer in the soul, so its time we get clear that we’re only hurting ourselves the longer we hold our grudges.  Forgiving others even when they do not deserve to be forgiven truly sets us free, enables us to gain clarity, and brings healing.  Forgiveness is extremely hard and courageous but worth it when you think of it in terms of taking off bitterness, rage, pride and anger and putting on love, freedom, clarity, joy and peace.

Filed Under: Anger, Forgiveness, Self Awareness Tagged With: ,

Do you attract Fixer-uppers? (and I’m not talking about HGTV)

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Hurting people seem to be attracted to you

            Have you ever stopped and noticed that all your friends seem to have a whole lot of drama going on, and that they often need you to help them.   Your co-worker is in an abusive relationship and they come to you to talk or for advice.  Your partner is abusing substances and you feel like it’s a full time job just taking care of them, worrying about them, and trying to get them help.  Your neighbor confides in you on a regular basis about their stress and depression and you often worry about them, so you make sure you’re available because you know you can make them feel better, worrying what would happen if you didn’t check in.

Realizing your taking care of others but not yourself

            If you can relate to attracting people with a lot of issues, you might at first feel energized, knowing you are needed, and feeling like you are doing something important by helping.  As time goes on however you might start to question who is there for you?  You tell yourself you’re strong, you’re fine, and you don’t need anyone, but is that true?  Everyone has a breaking point, and if you’re taking care of others and not yourself- you too will hit that breaking point.  You may start to feel angry, bitter or resentful of those you’ve been helping, realizing the relationship is one sided, and realizing that they are not reciprocating any of the favors.  You may give and give financially however when it comes time for you to ask for help, they say no – which really makes you bitter.  Certain people will actually subconsciously help others before themselves and more than themselves because its easier to fix others problems than look at their own issues and demons.  Ask yourself if you are neglecting something in your own life, possibly a strained marriage, your angry teenager, your un-forgiveness toward your childhood.

Check your motives and your heart

It’s absolutely a good thing to help others in our lives that are in need however you have to ask yourself if you are continually putting others needs before your own in a way that is self-destructive.  Are you so used to asking others how they are doing that it’s strange to ask yourself how you are doing?  Is it hard to answer the question how you are feeling?   Before you help someone ask yourself if you want to help, and what you are expecting in return.  I say this because over time we often help out of feelings of obligation or not wanting to disappoint, or to make ourselves feel good about ourselves.  Will you get upset if someone does not say thank you, if they do not recognize you, if they don’t offer something in return?  Check your motives before you say yes or offer help, making sure to only help and say yes without ulterior motives.

Choosing to be intentional with relationships

The type of relationships you build says a lot about you and your inner world, unresolved childhood issues, traumas, and self-worth.  Often time’s people go through life building friendships without being intentional.  Know and understand there are different types of relationships and friendships.  It’s good to pause and do some soul searching if you recognize your friends are far from quality.  The next step is to start loving and valuing yourself.  Healthy people attract other healthy people, and so is true for people with major insecurities and issues.  It is said that you become like the top 5 people you surround yourself with and that people are like elevators, they either take you up or down.  If you don’t want to be like your friends, then start hanging around people you do want to be like.  In no way am I saying to stop helping others, however I am saying that along with helping others, make sure you are allowing others to help you and support you.

Exercise:  Take some time to sit down and think of at least a few people in your life that you admire, respect, and look up to.  Choose to seek these people out, befriend them, and ask to meet up.

Filed Under: Self Awareness, Uncategorized Tagged With: , ,

Social Anxiety, a Thought Disorder

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What is social anxiety?

Social anxiety is a type of anxiety that affects individuals thought patterns, making them extremely self-conscious, nervous in social situations, and fearful of being judged or evaluated by others.  It is a fear of social situations where the individual has to interact with other people. Certain people are more prone to develop this social phobia if anxiety disorders run in the family, and if they have experienced some type of social shaming earlier on in life.

Inside the mind of someone with social anxiety

Someone with social anxiety might worry and obsess when they know they have to interact with others, they feel as though everyone will be looking at them, critiquing them, or making fun of them.  They hold onto negative past experiences and replay them over and over in their head for years, such as a public shaming comment from a teacher or a clumsy mistake at work where everyone laughed.  Someone struggling with this is sensitive to situations with others, often perceiving interactions negatively, believing others do not like them, thinking they are stupid or ugly and believing they have nothing good to offer others.  If you could listen to someone’s thoughts they might be telling themselves, “I don’t want to be here, there laughing at me, I’m so stupid, I can’t do this, and please don’t call on me.”

Is social Anxiety just a phase?

The good news is that social anxiety is very treatable, the bad news is that it will not go away on its own, and can often worsen if untreated.  The truth is that someone with social phobia might be very smart, good looking, gifted and talented however in their own mind they are not.  The mind is one of the strongest determining factors in determining someone’s success and fulfillment in life.  Someone with social anxiety is probably discouraged with the way their life has been going, wishing they were like others, wishing they had more friends, and more opportunities.  Through cognitive behavioral therapy, people can process past negative situations, understand underlying issues better, and work through current fears and thought barriers.  People can develop self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-compassion, not being so hard on themselves and realizing that others probably don’t care as much as they thought either.

Is social anxiety dangerous or serious?

Social anxiety is serious when untreated because it can worsen over time.   When many forms of anxiety are untreated people often become isolated, further negative, and worried.  It is common for anxiety to then turn into depression which can lead to thoughts of hopelessness, helplessness, low motivation, and even thoughts of not wanting to live anymore.  Thankfully I am here to tell you that when you treat social anxiety through good therapy, lifestyle adjustments and sometimes medication, you or your loved one can completely improve, and even become stronger individuals in the process.  There is hope and there is help, don’t wait.

Filed Under: Introvert, Self Awareness Tagged With: , , , ,

The top reasons you struggle with setting boundaries and the one thing you need to implement today for healthier relationships.

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The root cause of poor boundaries

  1. People pleasing – you’re afraid of what others will think if you say no. You subconsciously believe you’re a better person if you give more.
  2. You were raised in a home without boundaries and probably with some chaos.
  3. You worry more about hurting other people’s feelings than you do about your own.
  4. You may not love yourself or believe you are worthy enough to protect.
  5. You struggle with decision making and assertiveness, and don’t trust yourself or your opinions, allowing others to walk all over you leaving you feeling resentful, uncertain and bitter.

Boundaries Basics

Boundaries keep the good in and the bad out.  As children some of us had parents that helped to teach us appropriate boundaries – what are others allowed to touch, say or do to us. Some people had families or an abusive partner that violated some of those boundaries and in turn taught us that we were not in control of ourselves, leaving us vulnerable to others.  In addition to boundaries with others, there are also internal boundaries which are boundaries we have within ourselves.  Internal boundaries have to do with self regulation, choosing to parent ourselves, choosing to say no to ourselves when we want to do something that is self destructive.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T find out what it means to me

You have the right to choose what boundaries you want to have for yourself.  Will you allow others to put you down, belittle you, or curse at you?  Will you allow someone to violate you physically?  Will you allow someone to manipulate you and lie to you and betray your trust time and time again or will you put up a boundary of protection, self-preservation and self-respect.  Is it time to look at internal boundaries, becoming more in tuned with your internal self talk, self compassion, and setting loving limits on yourself. That’s right, this is your choice even though it doesn’t feel like it is.  Having boundaries does not mean that you are rigid or selfish.  Boundaries mean that you love yourself, value yourself, and care for yourself.  Today take some time and write down areas in your life where you want more boundaries.  Will you stop saying yes even when you want to say no? Will you choose to separate from an emotionally or physically abusive person in your life?  Having stronger boundaries will help you attract healthier, quality people.  Poor boundaries often times attract people that will hurt you in one way or another.  Awareness is the first step.

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Psychological barriers to weight loss

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Are you detached from your feelings and issues in your life?

Your abusive boss just called and left you a voicemail – grab a cookie.  You and your spouse are distant and unengaged – grab some Ben& Jerry’s at night instead of talking or fighting.  You have a toxic relationship in your life and don’t know what to do anymore – except eat chips and salsa. You have some plain old yucky feelings at the pit of your stomach or all over and you don’t even know what they are or where they are coming from – time to hit the pantry for something …. Anything, (anything junk food that is).

Do you feel defeated and depressed about your weight?

You’ve tried to lose weight, you’ve put in effort in the past, and it just doesn’t work, so now you feel so defeated you don’t even bother.  Sad about your body, and so instead of eating one cookie- you eat the whole box because your hopeless and you’ve given up.   After that you feel even more depressed leading to your next poor food decision.  You might be self-sabotaging because you feel hopeless and lack motivation.

Is your identity linked with food?

If you want to feel better- you eat, if you want someone else to feel better – give them something to eat, it you want to celebrate, eat.  Just like any other dependence, when you choose to stop, there is a great sense of loss.  Eating, food, and socializing with food is a part of who you are, and if you’re honest – maybe not a good part, but you feel scared to let go.  It’s like taking away a security blanket leaving you feeling naked, cold, and insecure.  It’s time to explore other parts of yourself that you might have been out of touch with because of your eating.

Do you play the victim role?

“Everyone in my family is overweight, it’s in my genes, and it’s not fair.”  Playing the victim role is one of the most self-destructive belief systems someone can have, and its guaranteed to block you from growth, healing, motivation and weight loss.  If you’ve fooled yourself to believing that it’s beyond your control, and that the rules don’t apply to you because your situation and body chemistry is different, you have very little chance at any weight loss.  There’s no bother trying if it’s beyond your control.

Deal with psychological issues psychologically!

Self-medicating your loneliness, stress, or depression with food offers instant gratification, while feeling our feelings, processing our thoughts, and reaching out for real help doesn’t offer the same instant gratification and can be downright scary – but it works.  The next time you start walking over to the kitchen ask yourself what you’re really feeling.  Is it true hunger?  Is it frustration? Is it sadness? Ice cream in itself is not bad, it only becomes bad when you’re using it to cover up your feelings, what your heart is trying to tell you, and slowly silencing your true and authentic self.  So next time pause, pick up a journal and start getting to know yourself again.  You might just surprise yourself.  Above all else, practice self compassion and be patient with yourself. 

Filed Under: Intentions, Mindfulness, Self Awareness Tagged With: ,

5 signs you might be having a mid-life crisis and what to do

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midlifecrisispic

Yes, mid life crises are real, and not so funny when its affecting you or your partner.  Often times a milestone birthday or a significant life change during the mid life years can get one’s mind racing about the years that have passed, and wondering what’s to come.  Ask yourself if you can identify with any of the symptoms below.

  1. You’re questioning your previous life decisions; such as your marriage, career, and friendships.  Why did I really get married? Was I really in love? I hate my job, what was I thinking?
  2. You are feeling apathetic or suffocated by current responsibilities or achievements.  You once tried really hard to achieve your career goals, but now that you’re at the top you feel more “Blah” than ever. You thought you wanted a family but even though you love your kids, you feel tied down.  You might have lost interest in your current social circle, or realized you don’t have a social circle.
  3. You’re fearful of getting old. The 6-pack is long gone, the hair is receding and you no longer feel attractive and you fear not being desirable to the opposite sex.  You might try to feel better about yourself by purchasing a nice car, coloring your hair or even flirting (etc…) with the opposite sex when already in a relationship.
  4. You feel a strong need to go in a different direction, and a need for adventure.  You may feel like you’ve spent the first part of your life like a hamster going around in circles, and you want OUT!
  5. You are questioning your identity.  Who am I?  What is my purpose in life?  Am I really living the life I want to live or am I living the life that others want me to live?  What am I passionate about?

This mid-life crisis could Make or Break your life… no pressure.

The first step is to be real with yourself, the more you push this down the more problems you might have.  Now is the time to pump the brakes and reflect on your life, ask yourself who you are, who you want to be, and pump the brakes again.  This is a defining moment in your life, a fork in the road where you must choose wisely.  Your impulse says to “do what feels good, do what you want to do for once.” However, many good lives, families, and careers have been ruined under that premise.  Even though it might seem like the answer is to make some drastic changes in relationships or extravagant purchases, often the issues are much deeper.   You can change, you can grow, and you can be the person you were made to be.  After digesting what is going on, reach out for support from trusted friends, reconnect with your faith, and if you feel out of control, get professional help.

If you’re not sure where to start, feel depressed and overwhelmed, give me a call for a free consult.  I am passionate about helping people through mid-life crises.

Filed Under: Intentions, journey, Self Awareness, Uncategorized Tagged With: , ,

Find inner peace by being true to yourself

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priorities blog

Overwhelmed and burned out

Sue walked into my office one day apologizing for being tearful, and adamant that she is “never like this.”  She shared her story of climbing the corporate ladder, doing everything right, and working long hours at her high powered career, all while also being a beautiful wife and mother.  She shared that she was confused, overwhelmed and becoming more and more tearful and irritable lately.  She had never seen a therapist before and was quite skeptical of the process.  She admitted to trying medication, working harder, reading self-help books, however things were getting worse.  It was clear that she struggled with letting her guard down, as she admitted that she doesn’t often talk about “these things” to others.  She said that she likes to help others but never opens up about herself or asks for help.  I asked Sue about her top priorities in her life, and she said it was her marriage, family, and Faith.  I asked if she felt her life was lined up with her priorities and she defensively said, “What do you want me to do, drop everything and just go to church?”  Even though she wanted to feel better, she couldn’t fathom making any changes to her crazy, overbooked schedule.

From breakdown to breakthrough

As the months of therapy moved on, Sue gained insight about how her inner priorities did not match the direction her life was headed.  She realized she was afraid of being a failure, afraid of not being the person society and her parents wanted her to be,  and that she forgot to ask God who he wanted her to be.  Sue was disconnected from herself, her family, and from God.  On her own she chose to quit her job and she began to take care of herself for the first time in a long time.  Sue found peace in slowing down and focusing on what really mattered to her.  She was able to see that this “break down” was not failure, but instead Gods greatest gift to her, to redirect her back to himself.  “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”  Matthew 6:33

Are you aligned with your priorities?

What are your top priorities in your life?  Is it your career, family, money, relationships, Faith, marriage, power, service, success, mental health, or comfort?  Take a moment and write down what you want your top three priorities to be.  Now reflect on where you spend most of your time and resources?  If you’re not aligned you may be experiencing some stress, anxiety, restlessness or even depression.  Choose to make some shifts and changes where needed and live a life of intention and balance.

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